Fifteen Years

Today marks our fifteen year wedding anniversary.

There has been years that I never thought we'd see this day.

There has been years where this day came very quick.

I can say today, that I am truly happy in the choice we made all those years ago.

Yes, I know the number is backwards. I tried to explain that to him, sometimes marriage is letting him be wrong. The picture was actually from new years this year. But it is in this picture that I see us. The years are there but so are the smiles. The number is wrong and that is OK, we've learned to pick our battles and be fine with not always being right.

This picture is from an impromptu date night last week. Our little geeky Geocaching hobby. I love that when I say lets stop here in work clothes and shoes to tramp through the woods he says sure.

He is always open to my crazy ways of doing life.

I love his support in all things.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

~ Cassi

 

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Not Waiting till Tomorrow

Today is Five Minute Fridays so lets link up and write

So I write for Five minute, no edits, no re dos and at the end I will see if there are pictures from my week Instagram feed that match the words of this week.

Topic: Tomorrow

"Jesus said
"Here I stand, won't you please let me in?"
And you said
"I will tomorrow"

~ Lyrics by BeBe Winans

How easy we are to say tomorrow. Tomorrow I will clean the house, tomorrow I will eat healthier, tomorrow...

How easy it is to say I will follow the Lord tomorrow.

I was there when I was young I play at being a Christian, knowing that, when I get married then I will do it right. When we have kids that is when I will do it right. When she is old enough to understand that is when I'll do it.

Then our marriage hit the fires and God said there are no tomorrows. We (ME) needed to get right with God right then, not tomorrow.

Because it is only through HIM that our marriage, family, life is saved.

We could not have done it on our own.

If we would have waited one more day, till tomorrow, it would have been to late.

 

"And who said tomorrow would ever come for you
still you laugh and play and continue on to say
"tomorrow"
forget about tomorrow won't you give
your life today oohh
please don't just turn and walk away
tomorrow, tomorrow is not promised
dont let this moment slip away
your tomorrow could very well begin today"

~ Lyrics by BeBe Winans

 

~Cassi

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13 years

Today is the day Steve and I got married 13 years ago. It's been a crazy adventure. We haven't always taken the course God planned for our marriage. But I am glad we are getting back on track.

It was beautiful to spend this last week in Jamaica together celebrating with family.
Here is to 13 years and to 13 more.

Love you

~ Cassi





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The "Right After"

Friday means Five Minute Fridays. So I write for Five minute, no edits, no re dos and at the end I will see if there are pictures from this week that match the words of this week.

Topic: After

It's spring here, yes it finally is hitting spring in this frigid tundra. The snow is melting and the air is musty in its wake. It's the after winter thaw that we look forward to.
But it's still not quite right yet to really be outside enjoying the day.
That seems common in the "right after" of any change in season. What do we do in the after?
We are no longer in the "right after" of the fires. There were plenty of times during that "right after" where it didn't feel right yet. Like spring that we could see the sun shining on the other side but the windows were still cold.

I feel like Steve and I are hitting a new season.
We have now passed into the two year mark, the real after.
We have to make sure it is not a time to slide into complacency, which is so easy to do in a marriage. Instead we have to keep growing and working towards the goals we set. We have to push open the windows and feel that it warm now.


~ Cassi


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Feeling sexy

The final NaBloPoMo writing prompts for February asked us "When do you feel your sexiest?"

Steve saw the title of this post and stated "what are you going to be writing about". His concern was that it seemed like it is outside of our blog topics. But I don't really think it is. In any relationship we first have to feel good about ourselves before we can even begin to feel good about someone else.

And truthfully this is a good reminder to myself. I am at the heaviest I have ever been beyond being pregnant and for the most part am not really happy with the way I look. But I lack a lot of ambition.

But this post is not about that it's about when I do feel sexy. When I stopped to think about this question I realized that I feel sexiest normally right before bed. My hair has either tamed down or is at that perfectly disheveled stage. My makeup is slightly smudged and smokey.

And really what better time to look and feel sexy, then when I am going to curl up in bed with my spouse. In a relationship that is who you should want to feel sexy for.  It's in those quiet moments that I want to feel good about myself and know that he feels the same way about me.

And that ends February, February is the month of love and Blogher asked us about our stories of love. Written as part of the NaBloPoMo February blogging prompts. I didn't want to do every day's prompts but it is fun for a few. 

~ Cassi

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Love = Life

Do you Think people can live with out love?

“Do not pity the dead Harry. Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love.”

~ Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Yes, you can live without love. That is the fact, but there is no life without love. I do pity those that do not understand or want to love others. It is what truly makes life worth it. From the begining we are designed to love and be loved
Its' also a two edge sword, this need to be loved. Though I grew up in a loving home and Christian thought of being loved by God, I was always looking for more. I wanted the Eros (romance) love from all. This brought heartache for years.

From Google search

It's not until recently that I really started to understand the encompassing Agape love of God and family. No longer to I feel the need to be loved by all. But instead to show love to all.
It is the Agape and Philia love that has become so important. It is the difference between life and just living.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." - 1 Corinthians 13:13

February is the month of love and Blogher is asking us what our stories of love. Written as part of the NaBloPoMo February blogging prompts. I didn't want to do every day's prompts but it is fun for a few. 


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Valentines to my husband

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Sharing our Testimony

Steve and I shared our testimony at church this Sunday. Here is what we shared.

 Cassi: The spark hit the dry tinder so early. It was left alone no one cared enough to put it out, so it lay there gathering fuel. The winds of change igniting it further. Until it became a fire so swift and fierce that it devastated everything in its path. It ate away at the large trees that rooted the forest until all that was left was hallowed out husks of the past.

I wrote that two years ago the day after Steve and I realized our marriage had become a lie. As we each confessed to each other our wrongs, as we poured out our pain. I was left standing in the smoldering wilderness, choking on the smoky aftermath of what we have become. I want to blame him but I know I had done no better. We both left the fire smoldering under the dry leaves. As if ignoring it would make the fire go away, instead it spread its tentacles out to all areas of our lives, slowly destroying what it found.

Steve: We, as husband and wife, are weak. We have tried to live our lives the way we see fit and look where it got us. But now we are looking at strength from for a new source.

It is through the weakness that God will bring great things. We bow humbly before him boasting in the weakness of ourselves. It is not easy. Our society says it’s ok to walk away, but we decided to follow God’s plan for marriage.  Cassi and I talk that someday we hope God has a plan to use what we are learning together for his purpose. So he can make something beautiful from the pain.

Cassi: To make a marriage it takes work. Why do we feel that we should just know how to do it? We go to school a huge portion of our lives to prepare us for a career. We are mandated to take drivers ed. to become drivers. We attend birthing and parenting classes when we become pregnant. Certain areas of our lives we realize we need help in so why is it that with relationships we think we should be able to do it all on our own?

Steve: We realized we needed help. Professional help to teach us what to do. We went to back to school in away. We sought out a Christian counselor who worked with us to achieve some building blocks. We had no foundation any longer; we need those cornerstones again. Christ has been our personal cornerstones but not in our marriage. That is something we had to change.

Cassi: It has been amazing watching Steve open up to God and his calling for him as a husband and a Dad. I know we have a long way to go still but every day Steve reminds me to pray our future together. And for that I am grateful. I am reminded of the Sanctus Real song “Lead Me”. Thank you for hearing my cries. To see you fight for our marriage is amazing. And I know with God's help, I will not feel alone anymore. And that our house will finally be a home.

Steve: It has been a joy being a part of the change in Cassi and our family.  The changes include putting down or away distractions and spending more quality time together.  Making the effort to "get away" with family camping or weekend getaways, and spending more time just talking.

It's been almost two years to the day since we called on God make changes in our lives and marriage. This past September I got down on one knee again recommitting to Cassi and God that our marriage is worth fighting for. So with a new ring symbolizing that promise, we start 2013 with a passion to share how important marriage grounded in faith is.

Cassi: As in any real forest fires the regrowth has taken time and as the forest floor heals new vegetation starts to sprout up. We are focused on getting the roots to grow deep, strong, to not let the dry tinder pile around us, so we are not as susceptible to the sparks.

~ Steve & Cassi
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Baring it all

Fridays I fluctuate between Five Minute Fridays and InstaFriday. But we are all community here, right? They can be combined into one post.
So I write for Five minute, no edits, no re dos and at the end I will see if there are pictures from this week that match the words of this week.

Topic: Bare

Yesterday was the two year mark of the fires. The day our lives and marriage changed forever. The day we laid at God's feet begging for a miracle to bring us out of the suffocating smoke.

The regrowth of this forest hasn't been easy. We've had counseling, books and mentoring. We've done soul searching and baring to others and ourselves.

But its been worth every scream and tear to see where we are now. We are no longer the arrogant self serving people we were when we got married.

This Sunday Steve and I venture on to another path of this restoring process. We are baring are selves to our church family. We've been asked to give our testimony to the congregation. It will be the first time many of them ever hear there has been issues for us. It will be the first time we publicly present our story.

Pray that our story will impact those who are needing to hear God's restoring message.

~ Cassi

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Ideal Date Night

What would my ideal date night...
My ideal date night would be impossible to do in Minnesota. Because my ideal would be to have dinner at a beach side restaurant. Or even a picnic on the beach. I love the sound of the waves and the sunsetting on the horizon.

Picture from our trip to California, near Fort Bragg.

But since we live in Minnesota, my ideal date, is one we have already done. Steve and I went out to a local waterfall and hiking area.

We hiked around and took pictures. Then we headed to a new restaurant for a late dinner. It was fun and spontaneous and perfect.

February is the month of love and Blogher is asking us what our stories of love. Written as part of the NaBloPoMo February blogging prompts. I didn't want to do every day's prompts but it is fun for a few. 


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Happy Valentines ~ Letters to us

Dear Steve

There were times through out this year that I didn't think we'd make it to these day. We have put so much effort and time into our marriage this year and I can say it is paying off. We have gone from two separate people raising a daughter to a family.

The changes you have been making are amazing. I love that you are trying to become more of a leader in our home. Which is really something I never though I would say, but feminism aside, it is exactly what I want and didn't know it.

Mostly this Valentines I wanted to thank you for fight for us, for our marriage and for our family.

Here's to more days of love to celebrate.

~ Cassi

Cassi,
The past year has been up and down.  I think more of the ups.  More time with us, date nights, lunches and more time as a family.  We have done a lot in the past year, learned more about us and finished a basement!  Spent nights with TV marathons of Psych and Law and Order.  I cherish these times, times on the couch, together, not in individual rooms doing our own things.  I also cherished the adventure of camping.  We camped a lot and created many good family memories.
Thank you for being there, for challenging me. 
I look forward to many more date nights, more family time and being there for you on any adventure we take.
Love - Steve

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Five Minute Fridays ~ Trust

It's Friday with Lisa - Jo and that means it's time to write. We write for five minutes unedited on one topic. Then link up with the rest at The Gypsy Mama.

Topic: Trust
That is a fitting title for this week. It was one year ago that a fire burned through our marriage, trying to destroy everything in it's path.
It's been a year of pain, regrowth and trust. Gone was all the things couples hold for granted. We were starting over. We gathered up as much defenses as we could from the fires. 

Source

But it wasn't till they burned through the last of debris were we able to start the process of regrowth. We are still nurturing the growth. Gathering up food (knowledge) and sun light (from the Son).
We are learning to hear, to talk to trust again. It's slow that last one. Trust is harder to grant. There is vulnerability in trusting another. Leaving you open to the hurt again.
Sometime we need that reminder of the importance of time. After a fire a forest doesn't regrow to it's splendor in a year.  

Source

Praying for the rebirth of this Bright Forest.



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Five Minute Friday ~ Joy

Starting the Five minute Friday with Gypsy Mama. Write your own and link up with the rest of us. Five minutes of writing on one topic.. no edits.. no re dos.
So here it goes

Joy

Finding Joy has been a struggle for me in the past year. So many times the past steals the Joy of the moment away.

I seem to live in a state of "if only" the my Joy would last.

But in these times I know that I am trying to have lasting Joy through my own works and decisions not His.

True Joy can only come through the one I turn to last. When the fires finally consumed everything then I turned to him.

But it is still a struggle to remind myself to turn to the Joy Bringer in all things

Big...small...
Happy...Sad...

Through God I will have lasting Joy, through him the past will no longer rule my present.

~ Cassi


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Why...

I tell Cassi that I love her quite often.  There are times when she asks me why.  She likes to put me on the spot.  I tell her why, keeping in mind to not state the obvious.  I try to dig deep into my feelings with the answer.  I like to think of the question of why I love her throughout the day.  Every day there is a reason to love her more and more and every time I think of the question I can find great things about her that makes me love and want to show her love more and more.

For example, earlier this week I had a softball game.  The heat wave has settled over Minnesota.  Air temp was 97 degrees.  Heat index went up to 114 degrees.  Through the heat she sat and watched not only one but two softball games.  The second game was a surprise game that came about because other teams did not show from the heat.  We talked it over and she said, "let's stay and you play"  This impressed me so much.  She sat through the heat to support me.

A great thing about her is her love of trying new food.  If it was up to me the weekly menu would not change much.  Meat, potatoes, pizza, and tacos every once in a while.  On the weekends Cassi sits down and comes up with a menu and tries to incorporate new food into the meals.  I have eaten things I never would have tried if not for her.  Indian food is the biggest item she has added to our menu.  Her biggest challenge is to get me to eat a raw tomato.  That may be a life long challenge!

We should all take time to think of the answers to the question of "Why do you love me"  Significant others need to hear these answers.  Be sure to take time to let yours know why you love them!

~Steve

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The Golden Boy

This week Amber wrote about her mysterious man over on inCourage (you can read it here). Her post made me thinking more on a subject I have thought of often in the past few months. One of the lines in her post struck me "Seth wasn’t a man of mystery. He was a decided man of constants, and I was grateful for that after my youthful rebellion."

That is exactly why I was attracted to Steve. Steve is always the Golden Boy (a nickname he got while working at the company we met at). I saw only that piece of him. Like Amber I looked to him to be the man of constants and stability that had been lacking in all my other relationships. What I did not do was look to him for the mystery and excitement that was in the other relationships.

In my youth I must have correlated the two to be mutual exclusive. You were either the good boy who was going to provide for me but leave me wanting for excitement or you would be the bad boy who would be exciting but leave me in the end. This separation made it easy to justify friendships with others that were unhealthy for our marriage.

"I needed both" I would say. Never looking deeper into my husband's personality to see the mystery there, the passion that he just didn't know how to release. After 11 years of marriage I am just starting to see the true Steve emerge. He is no longer the Golden Boy, but he is not the Bad Boy either. He is my Husband, man of mystery.

I always do enjoy a good mystery.

~Cassi

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Roofing with Wild at Heart

A few weeks ago I started reading the book Wild at Heart by John Eldredge.  The book discusses the need for a man to find adventure, to recover the masculine heart, defined in the image of a passionate God.  This is a book that I think about often throughout the day.  To me part of finding the masculine heart is through hard work.
Last weekend I helped Cassi's Dad re \-roof the rambler style house they live in.  Saturday was tear off and partial shingle.  Sunday was finish and use up what supplies we had (12 more bundles of shingles were needed to finish the roof for a total of 57 bundles)  I have helped roof houses and sheds before and felt up to the task.  I also wanted to use this to show Cassi that I am a well rounded man.  Able to work on computers (with my soft computer hands) and roof a house and get so dirty that the clothes I was wearing had to be thrown away.  To me this was an adventure, hard work, work that is not done on a normal basis.  I was proud of my self, and the group that worked the roof on the job we did. 

 When discussing working on the roof with Cassi I kept going back to the Wild at Heart book.  We started discussing adventures and what we do on those days we have no plans.  For years the fall back for those days was to head to Target, outlet stores or maybe the mall.  We decided that instead of heading to a store, we will now try to find day trips.  Trips that will have us hiking, picnicking, being together as a family outside, not in a big, stale, box store.

I am only to chapter three in the book but have gone back and read again from the beginning and started to underline important parts of the book to me.  Parts that I can refer back to.  One of my favorite lines from the book is actually an add for Northface "I am not alive in an office"  I work in an office, up on the fourth floor looking out big wall length windows.  Many times I wish I was outside. 

The book also talks about a man wanting to be the hero to the beauty and every woman wants an adventure to share.  Cassi and I are starting to work on these adventures.  I'm excited about this step in Restoring the Forest.  I have fears about starting adventure, what if one of us gets hurt?  I hate wood ticks and wasps.  What about itch weed, poison ivy.  I am surprised about my fears, growing up I did not have these fears.  Cassi doesn't have these fears, or she is real good at not showing them.  She inspires me to break down these fears, to head into adventures with her!

What adventures do you want to go on?

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Ask

For our 11 year anniversary Cassi gave me a bracelet with the word ask on it. The bracelet is great. Made of leather with rivets to hold the metal and the word ask stamped into it. Cassi played a game with me up until it came in the mail. We looked at many styles of bracelets online, mainly through the Etsy site. She wanted me to find one that I wanted to wear. She already knew the word she wanted on it. The game was to get me to find out the word. It took awhile but eventually I was able to figure out ask.

Why ask? It is something I rarely did and am working hard at doing more of. Ask questions. Ask about the day, about thoughts, health, feelings. Ask. Simple, but for many hard to do. After a late night discussion I stated I need a sign on the wall with the word ask. I wanted something visable to remind me to take the extra step during conversations. The bracelet is a reminder to ask, communicate, learn.

I have had the bracelet a few weeks. It has become a part of my wardrobe. I don't leave for work without it on. Only time it comes off is for softball or if I know I will be getting dirty. It is such a great gift that I don't want to ruin it by getting dirt, oil, gas, anything unclean on it.

When I don't have it on, my wrist feels empty. It is easy to forget to wear a watch. Not wearing this bracelet is hard. It feels a part of me now.

~Steve

11 years today: his and hers post

Steve
I guess it is fitting that we are celebrating 11 years today. In all that has gone down these last few months years it feels like we are starting back at year 1. (In my head you just drop off one of the 1's, written it doesn't make as much sense.) In many ways I think this is a good thing. This restoring we are doing. The foundation we have been working on is starting to take root.
A lot of that has to do with you. You are truly starting to be the lead in our family. It is amazing watching you open up to God and his calling for you as a husband and a Dad. I know we have a long way to go still but every day you remind me to hope in our future together. And for that I am grateful. I am remind of the Sanctus Real song “Lead Me”
"I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...
Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”
Thank you for hearing my cries. To see you fight for our marriage is amazing. And I know with God's help, I will not feel alone anymore. And that our house will finally be a home. So though I can't say this is a happy anniversary, I can say I look forward to what this next year will bring for us.
~Cassi

Today I have been married for 11 years, let me tell you about my wife:
11 years ago was a wonderful day.  Warm, bright sun, family in from all over.  11 years ago I married the woman I love, Cassi.  A few weeks ago Cassi mentioned she is not the girl she used to be, I said right away that she is the woman I love.  11 years changes everyone.  We became parents, where is the book on that?  We changed jobs, lived in apartment, townhouse and two houses.  Found a church, became active in the church. 
I still look at Cassi and remember the first time I saw her and the instant WOW thought.  I still say WOW.  It's a deeper wow, wow on her accomplishments, wow on her creativity, wow on the woman she has become and yes still wow on her beauty.  I am so proud of Cassi.  Proud to be married to her, call her my wife, talk to people about her.  I am proud of the family we have become.
Happy 11 years Cassi!!
~Steve

Two Steps back

I was going to post about the Bible story of Mary and Martha, but that will have to wait. (next week, I promise)


This week, I don't feel like entertaining anyone. I am tired. Physically I am tired, we did a lot of work around the house this week. My arm is throbbing from the hand sanding I was doing for hours on Sunday.


But more mentally, I am drained. Steve and I are trying to get our marriage to resemble a true marriage. It's a lot of work. Some days I feel like we have it and others. I feel like we have taken two steps back. Today, I feel like we took two steps back and trip down the stairs.


Like a wind blew and sparked the smoldering embers that are still among the ashes of the fire.


Do you have those days? When all that you have done or tried to do seems to not be enough? When you call out to Where are you, God? Help me.. Help Us!


I know he will answer. Just sometimes I wish it was louder and clearer and quicker.


Sorry this post isn't happy or uplifting, but some days I am too tired.

Looking for the stairway

At 35 I find myself wondering if I will get to heaven. In my younger years I thought I was golden, I would get in no matter what. I had an ace up my sleeve. The ace was a Russian woman that I worked with, Tatiana. I trained Tatiana in a production faucility. She got to know me and I got to know her traditions and how home life for her family was different then mine. She had many kids, I had two other brothers. Religion was talked about freely by Tatiana. It made me smile, maybe proud, that Tatiana would freely speak of her religion in a production environment where most of us worked just for the money and kept our opinions to ourselves. Near the end of our time working together I was helping her on the computer and was frustrated. I said "gosh" and she scolded me. I was shocked. Gosh is just a word...not to her. It was the same as using God's name in vain. After expaining that to me she also said she prays from me daily. Wow, this lady with many kids and burdens takes time to pray for me. That's it, I'm headed to heaven no matter what!

Years later I am asking myself the question...will I get to heaven? The church we attend speaks of what it takes to get to heaven. It's not easy and I now realize that my Ace was just a crutch for me. Tatiana is praying for me, I don't have to. With the sermons of our new pastor I find myself praying more, paying attention more on what to do to get to heaven. I also want to show Mouse how to live the right life, the good life. To show Cassi I am the right man for her.

My life's record so far will not get me to heaven. I will stand at the gates and the good list and bad list will be reviewed and a decision will be made. My hope...lead the rest of my life the way it is meant to be lived with love, faith and family. Listen at church, work toward heaven in my daily life.

Matthew 21
Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.



-Steve