The Long Embrace

This is Five Minute Fridays so lets link up and write

So I write for Five minute, no edits, no re dos and at the end I will see if there are pictures from my week Instagram feed that match the words of this week.

Topic: Joy

I was listening to co-workers talk this week about an article they had read that said you should hug your spouse for 30 seconds every day. They talked about how weird that felt when they tried it.

I just smiled, for I had been there once too.

Then the fires happened.

After that 30 seconds doesn't seem like enough time to hold on.

When you know the pain that goes with the loss, that embrace becomes a bit more important.

You crave the touch to last just a bit longer.

You begin to take joy from those long embraces.

It's been almost fours years, which seems so long ago and yet yesterday all at the same time.

So hold on to each other just a bit longer this weekend.

Take joy from the touch of the one you love.

Be present in that embrace.

~ Cassi

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Weekend of Us

This is Five Minute Fridays so lets link up and write

So I write for Five minute, no edits, no re dos and at the end I will see if there are pictures from my week Instagram feed that match the words of this week.

Topic: Family

 

 

 

This past weekend Steve and I took a much needed us only trip. Its always hard for us to do because Mouse is so much fun to travel with. We love seeing new places with her.

But as a friend said the other day "I love you but one day you are going to leave the house and I still need to like your Daddy". I loved that.

It's so true!

It's important to date your spouse.

We talk about how important family is and it is!

But part of our family is the relationship I have with him. We learned the hard way what happens if you don't tend to just us.

So we take these weekends away and make the most of them.  

We hiked and talked. None of the conversations were life changers in themselves but as a whole they are. They change our focus from outward to inward, from me to us.

It is that new focus that we come home and are family grows stronger.

~ Cassi 

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Not Waiting till Tomorrow

Today is Five Minute Fridays so lets link up and write

So I write for Five minute, no edits, no re dos and at the end I will see if there are pictures from my week Instagram feed that match the words of this week.

Topic: Tomorrow

"Jesus said
"Here I stand, won't you please let me in?"
And you said
"I will tomorrow"

~ Lyrics by BeBe Winans

How easy we are to say tomorrow. Tomorrow I will clean the house, tomorrow I will eat healthier, tomorrow...

How easy it is to say I will follow the Lord tomorrow.

I was there when I was young I play at being a Christian, knowing that, when I get married then I will do it right. When we have kids that is when I will do it right. When she is old enough to understand that is when I'll do it.

Then our marriage hit the fires and God said there are no tomorrows. We (ME) needed to get right with God right then, not tomorrow.

Because it is only through HIM that our marriage, family, life is saved.

We could not have done it on our own.

If we would have waited one more day, till tomorrow, it would have been to late.

 

"And who said tomorrow would ever come for you
still you laugh and play and continue on to say
"tomorrow"
forget about tomorrow won't you give
your life today oohh
please don't just turn and walk away
tomorrow, tomorrow is not promised
dont let this moment slip away
your tomorrow could very well begin today"

~ Lyrics by BeBe Winans

 

~Cassi

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My rings

Since getting my new wedding ring I have been on the look out for a new Mother's ring that will look good with it. I finally found it. It's not really a Mother's ring and really it barely has my kid's birthstone in the ring at all. But I love it. I feel like it brings the stones in my other ring together.

See the wedding ring is my husbands birthstone on the sides (Sapphire) and Mouse's birthstone in the center (Aquamarine). I completely adore this ring and all that it stands for. That fact that it is not a traditional wedding ring makes it even more perfect for us.

So why should my Mother's ring be any more traditional right?!? While at Helzberg last week I saw that they had a new stone out called London Topaz, she stated it is a darker version of my birthstone (Blue Topaz). London and dark teal/blue it was the perfect stone for me. Then I spotted this ring. The base is a mix of both topaz's and Aquamarine with a swirl of diamonds over the top. The swirl and the edges of my wedding ring are identical.

My favorite part is now we are all represented through my rings, I just have to look down and see Steve, Mouse and me. To see the bond and love we all share. It makes my heart so happy to see.

~ Cassi


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The "Right After"

Friday means Five Minute Fridays. So I write for Five minute, no edits, no re dos and at the end I will see if there are pictures from this week that match the words of this week.

Topic: After

It's spring here, yes it finally is hitting spring in this frigid tundra. The snow is melting and the air is musty in its wake. It's the after winter thaw that we look forward to.
But it's still not quite right yet to really be outside enjoying the day.
That seems common in the "right after" of any change in season. What do we do in the after?
We are no longer in the "right after" of the fires. There were plenty of times during that "right after" where it didn't feel right yet. Like spring that we could see the sun shining on the other side but the windows were still cold.

I feel like Steve and I are hitting a new season.
We have now passed into the two year mark, the real after.
We have to make sure it is not a time to slide into complacency, which is so easy to do in a marriage. Instead we have to keep growing and working towards the goals we set. We have to push open the windows and feel that it warm now.


~ Cassi


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Valentines to my husband

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Sharing our Testimony

Steve and I shared our testimony at church this Sunday. Here is what we shared.

 Cassi: The spark hit the dry tinder so early. It was left alone no one cared enough to put it out, so it lay there gathering fuel. The winds of change igniting it further. Until it became a fire so swift and fierce that it devastated everything in its path. It ate away at the large trees that rooted the forest until all that was left was hallowed out husks of the past.

I wrote that two years ago the day after Steve and I realized our marriage had become a lie. As we each confessed to each other our wrongs, as we poured out our pain. I was left standing in the smoldering wilderness, choking on the smoky aftermath of what we have become. I want to blame him but I know I had done no better. We both left the fire smoldering under the dry leaves. As if ignoring it would make the fire go away, instead it spread its tentacles out to all areas of our lives, slowly destroying what it found.

Steve: We, as husband and wife, are weak. We have tried to live our lives the way we see fit and look where it got us. But now we are looking at strength from for a new source.

It is through the weakness that God will bring great things. We bow humbly before him boasting in the weakness of ourselves. It is not easy. Our society says it’s ok to walk away, but we decided to follow God’s plan for marriage.  Cassi and I talk that someday we hope God has a plan to use what we are learning together for his purpose. So he can make something beautiful from the pain.

Cassi: To make a marriage it takes work. Why do we feel that we should just know how to do it? We go to school a huge portion of our lives to prepare us for a career. We are mandated to take drivers ed. to become drivers. We attend birthing and parenting classes when we become pregnant. Certain areas of our lives we realize we need help in so why is it that with relationships we think we should be able to do it all on our own?

Steve: We realized we needed help. Professional help to teach us what to do. We went to back to school in away. We sought out a Christian counselor who worked with us to achieve some building blocks. We had no foundation any longer; we need those cornerstones again. Christ has been our personal cornerstones but not in our marriage. That is something we had to change.

Cassi: It has been amazing watching Steve open up to God and his calling for him as a husband and a Dad. I know we have a long way to go still but every day Steve reminds me to pray our future together. And for that I am grateful. I am reminded of the Sanctus Real song “Lead Me”. Thank you for hearing my cries. To see you fight for our marriage is amazing. And I know with God's help, I will not feel alone anymore. And that our house will finally be a home.

Steve: It has been a joy being a part of the change in Cassi and our family.  The changes include putting down or away distractions and spending more quality time together.  Making the effort to "get away" with family camping or weekend getaways, and spending more time just talking.

It's been almost two years to the day since we called on God make changes in our lives and marriage. This past September I got down on one knee again recommitting to Cassi and God that our marriage is worth fighting for. So with a new ring symbolizing that promise, we start 2013 with a passion to share how important marriage grounded in faith is.

Cassi: As in any real forest fires the regrowth has taken time and as the forest floor heals new vegetation starts to sprout up. We are focused on getting the roots to grow deep, strong, to not let the dry tinder pile around us, so we are not as susceptible to the sparks.

~ Steve & Cassi
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Baring it all

Fridays I fluctuate between Five Minute Fridays and InstaFriday. But we are all community here, right? They can be combined into one post.
So I write for Five minute, no edits, no re dos and at the end I will see if there are pictures from this week that match the words of this week.

Topic: Bare

Yesterday was the two year mark of the fires. The day our lives and marriage changed forever. The day we laid at God's feet begging for a miracle to bring us out of the suffocating smoke.

The regrowth of this forest hasn't been easy. We've had counseling, books and mentoring. We've done soul searching and baring to others and ourselves.

But its been worth every scream and tear to see where we are now. We are no longer the arrogant self serving people we were when we got married.

This Sunday Steve and I venture on to another path of this restoring process. We are baring are selves to our church family. We've been asked to give our testimony to the congregation. It will be the first time many of them ever hear there has been issues for us. It will be the first time we publicly present our story.

Pray that our story will impact those who are needing to hear God's restoring message.

~ Cassi

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Recommitment

This weekend Steve and I took a trip to the North Shore (for those non-Minnesotans this means Lake Superior). We stayed at a small little B&B right on the shoreline. It was a cold weekend, but we still got in some hikes, shopping and dining. And of course some Geocaching.

But more importantly Steve got down on one knee and asked if I would still marry him. We talked about the last two years and the changes we've made. We talked about how we are committed to make a new start to our marriage and to our family.

Over twelve years ago we got engaged along these shores, it was nice to stand there again and know that we are in a better spot.

~ Cassi


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Five Minute Fridays ~ Perspective

On Fridays we write, one topic, no edits. Just the pure form of writing to write. Join all of with Lisa Jo at The Gypsy Mama.

Topic: Perspective

This weekend is 12 years. All those years ago I had an idea of what marriage should look like. I wasn't seeing it in the marriage I was starting. My perspective was skewed by 21 year old naive self. In not seeing what I thought should be there I no longer looked at it at all.
Steve's talked about the same, this perspective we had and didn't share with each other. It blurred the eyes and hardened the heart.
This past year has started to clear and soften.
Going into this 12th year, I have a new perspective of what marriage should look like. New values to uphold. It still needs work and effort but all things worth doing does.

Here is to to the next 12 years, may they brighter then the first.

~ Cassi


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Five Minute Fridays ~ Trust

It's Friday with Lisa - Jo and that means it's time to write. We write for five minutes unedited on one topic. Then link up with the rest at The Gypsy Mama.

Topic: Trust
That is a fitting title for this week. It was one year ago that a fire burned through our marriage, trying to destroy everything in it's path.
It's been a year of pain, regrowth and trust. Gone was all the things couples hold for granted. We were starting over. We gathered up as much defenses as we could from the fires. 

Source

But it wasn't till they burned through the last of debris were we able to start the process of regrowth. We are still nurturing the growth. Gathering up food (knowledge) and sun light (from the Son).
We are learning to hear, to talk to trust again. It's slow that last one. Trust is harder to grant. There is vulnerability in trusting another. Leaving you open to the hurt again.
Sometime we need that reminder of the importance of time. After a fire a forest doesn't regrow to it's splendor in a year.  

Source

Praying for the rebirth of this Bright Forest.



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Five Minute Friday ~ Joy

Starting the Five minute Friday with Gypsy Mama. Write your own and link up with the rest of us. Five minutes of writing on one topic.. no edits.. no re dos.
So here it goes

Joy

Finding Joy has been a struggle for me in the past year. So many times the past steals the Joy of the moment away.

I seem to live in a state of "if only" the my Joy would last.

But in these times I know that I am trying to have lasting Joy through my own works and decisions not His.

True Joy can only come through the one I turn to last. When the fires finally consumed everything then I turned to him.

But it is still a struggle to remind myself to turn to the Joy Bringer in all things

Big...small...
Happy...Sad...

Through God I will have lasting Joy, through him the past will no longer rule my present.

~ Cassi


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Why...

I tell Cassi that I love her quite often.  There are times when she asks me why.  She likes to put me on the spot.  I tell her why, keeping in mind to not state the obvious.  I try to dig deep into my feelings with the answer.  I like to think of the question of why I love her throughout the day.  Every day there is a reason to love her more and more and every time I think of the question I can find great things about her that makes me love and want to show her love more and more.

For example, earlier this week I had a softball game.  The heat wave has settled over Minnesota.  Air temp was 97 degrees.  Heat index went up to 114 degrees.  Through the heat she sat and watched not only one but two softball games.  The second game was a surprise game that came about because other teams did not show from the heat.  We talked it over and she said, "let's stay and you play"  This impressed me so much.  She sat through the heat to support me.

A great thing about her is her love of trying new food.  If it was up to me the weekly menu would not change much.  Meat, potatoes, pizza, and tacos every once in a while.  On the weekends Cassi sits down and comes up with a menu and tries to incorporate new food into the meals.  I have eaten things I never would have tried if not for her.  Indian food is the biggest item she has added to our menu.  Her biggest challenge is to get me to eat a raw tomato.  That may be a life long challenge!

We should all take time to think of the answers to the question of "Why do you love me"  Significant others need to hear these answers.  Be sure to take time to let yours know why you love them!

~Steve

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The Golden Boy

This week Amber wrote about her mysterious man over on inCourage (you can read it here). Her post made me thinking more on a subject I have thought of often in the past few months. One of the lines in her post struck me "Seth wasn’t a man of mystery. He was a decided man of constants, and I was grateful for that after my youthful rebellion."

That is exactly why I was attracted to Steve. Steve is always the Golden Boy (a nickname he got while working at the company we met at). I saw only that piece of him. Like Amber I looked to him to be the man of constants and stability that had been lacking in all my other relationships. What I did not do was look to him for the mystery and excitement that was in the other relationships.

In my youth I must have correlated the two to be mutual exclusive. You were either the good boy who was going to provide for me but leave me wanting for excitement or you would be the bad boy who would be exciting but leave me in the end. This separation made it easy to justify friendships with others that were unhealthy for our marriage.

"I needed both" I would say. Never looking deeper into my husband's personality to see the mystery there, the passion that he just didn't know how to release. After 11 years of marriage I am just starting to see the true Steve emerge. He is no longer the Golden Boy, but he is not the Bad Boy either. He is my Husband, man of mystery.

I always do enjoy a good mystery.

~Cassi

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Roofing with Wild at Heart

A few weeks ago I started reading the book Wild at Heart by John Eldredge.  The book discusses the need for a man to find adventure, to recover the masculine heart, defined in the image of a passionate God.  This is a book that I think about often throughout the day.  To me part of finding the masculine heart is through hard work.
Last weekend I helped Cassi's Dad re \-roof the rambler style house they live in.  Saturday was tear off and partial shingle.  Sunday was finish and use up what supplies we had (12 more bundles of shingles were needed to finish the roof for a total of 57 bundles)  I have helped roof houses and sheds before and felt up to the task.  I also wanted to use this to show Cassi that I am a well rounded man.  Able to work on computers (with my soft computer hands) and roof a house and get so dirty that the clothes I was wearing had to be thrown away.  To me this was an adventure, hard work, work that is not done on a normal basis.  I was proud of my self, and the group that worked the roof on the job we did. 

 When discussing working on the roof with Cassi I kept going back to the Wild at Heart book.  We started discussing adventures and what we do on those days we have no plans.  For years the fall back for those days was to head to Target, outlet stores or maybe the mall.  We decided that instead of heading to a store, we will now try to find day trips.  Trips that will have us hiking, picnicking, being together as a family outside, not in a big, stale, box store.

I am only to chapter three in the book but have gone back and read again from the beginning and started to underline important parts of the book to me.  Parts that I can refer back to.  One of my favorite lines from the book is actually an add for Northface "I am not alive in an office"  I work in an office, up on the fourth floor looking out big wall length windows.  Many times I wish I was outside. 

The book also talks about a man wanting to be the hero to the beauty and every woman wants an adventure to share.  Cassi and I are starting to work on these adventures.  I'm excited about this step in Restoring the Forest.  I have fears about starting adventure, what if one of us gets hurt?  I hate wood ticks and wasps.  What about itch weed, poison ivy.  I am surprised about my fears, growing up I did not have these fears.  Cassi doesn't have these fears, or she is real good at not showing them.  She inspires me to break down these fears, to head into adventures with her!

What adventures do you want to go on?

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Ask

For our 11 year anniversary Cassi gave me a bracelet with the word ask on it. The bracelet is great. Made of leather with rivets to hold the metal and the word ask stamped into it. Cassi played a game with me up until it came in the mail. We looked at many styles of bracelets online, mainly through the Etsy site. She wanted me to find one that I wanted to wear. She already knew the word she wanted on it. The game was to get me to find out the word. It took awhile but eventually I was able to figure out ask.

Why ask? It is something I rarely did and am working hard at doing more of. Ask questions. Ask about the day, about thoughts, health, feelings. Ask. Simple, but for many hard to do. After a late night discussion I stated I need a sign on the wall with the word ask. I wanted something visable to remind me to take the extra step during conversations. The bracelet is a reminder to ask, communicate, learn.

I have had the bracelet a few weeks. It has become a part of my wardrobe. I don't leave for work without it on. Only time it comes off is for softball or if I know I will be getting dirty. It is such a great gift that I don't want to ruin it by getting dirt, oil, gas, anything unclean on it.

When I don't have it on, my wrist feels empty. It is easy to forget to wear a watch. Not wearing this bracelet is hard. It feels a part of me now.

~Steve

11 years today: his and hers post

Steve
I guess it is fitting that we are celebrating 11 years today. In all that has gone down these last few months years it feels like we are starting back at year 1. (In my head you just drop off one of the 1's, written it doesn't make as much sense.) In many ways I think this is a good thing. This restoring we are doing. The foundation we have been working on is starting to take root.
A lot of that has to do with you. You are truly starting to be the lead in our family. It is amazing watching you open up to God and his calling for you as a husband and a Dad. I know we have a long way to go still but every day you remind me to hope in our future together. And for that I am grateful. I am remind of the Sanctus Real song “Lead Me”
"I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...
Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”
Thank you for hearing my cries. To see you fight for our marriage is amazing. And I know with God's help, I will not feel alone anymore. And that our house will finally be a home. So though I can't say this is a happy anniversary, I can say I look forward to what this next year will bring for us.
~Cassi

Today I have been married for 11 years, let me tell you about my wife:
11 years ago was a wonderful day.  Warm, bright sun, family in from all over.  11 years ago I married the woman I love, Cassi.  A few weeks ago Cassi mentioned she is not the girl she used to be, I said right away that she is the woman I love.  11 years changes everyone.  We became parents, where is the book on that?  We changed jobs, lived in apartment, townhouse and two houses.  Found a church, became active in the church. 
I still look at Cassi and remember the first time I saw her and the instant WOW thought.  I still say WOW.  It's a deeper wow, wow on her accomplishments, wow on her creativity, wow on the woman she has become and yes still wow on her beauty.  I am so proud of Cassi.  Proud to be married to her, call her my wife, talk to people about her.  I am proud of the family we have become.
Happy 11 years Cassi!!
~Steve

Two Steps back

I was going to post about the Bible story of Mary and Martha, but that will have to wait. (next week, I promise)


This week, I don't feel like entertaining anyone. I am tired. Physically I am tired, we did a lot of work around the house this week. My arm is throbbing from the hand sanding I was doing for hours on Sunday.


But more mentally, I am drained. Steve and I are trying to get our marriage to resemble a true marriage. It's a lot of work. Some days I feel like we have it and others. I feel like we have taken two steps back. Today, I feel like we took two steps back and trip down the stairs.


Like a wind blew and sparked the smoldering embers that are still among the ashes of the fire.


Do you have those days? When all that you have done or tried to do seems to not be enough? When you call out to Where are you, God? Help me.. Help Us!


I know he will answer. Just sometimes I wish it was louder and clearer and quicker.


Sorry this post isn't happy or uplifting, but some days I am too tired.

Looking for the stairway

At 35 I find myself wondering if I will get to heaven. In my younger years I thought I was golden, I would get in no matter what. I had an ace up my sleeve. The ace was a Russian woman that I worked with, Tatiana. I trained Tatiana in a production faucility. She got to know me and I got to know her traditions and how home life for her family was different then mine. She had many kids, I had two other brothers. Religion was talked about freely by Tatiana. It made me smile, maybe proud, that Tatiana would freely speak of her religion in a production environment where most of us worked just for the money and kept our opinions to ourselves. Near the end of our time working together I was helping her on the computer and was frustrated. I said "gosh" and she scolded me. I was shocked. Gosh is just a word...not to her. It was the same as using God's name in vain. After expaining that to me she also said she prays from me daily. Wow, this lady with many kids and burdens takes time to pray for me. That's it, I'm headed to heaven no matter what!

Years later I am asking myself the question...will I get to heaven? The church we attend speaks of what it takes to get to heaven. It's not easy and I now realize that my Ace was just a crutch for me. Tatiana is praying for me, I don't have to. With the sermons of our new pastor I find myself praying more, paying attention more on what to do to get to heaven. I also want to show Mouse how to live the right life, the good life. To show Cassi I am the right man for her.

My life's record so far will not get me to heaven. I will stand at the gates and the good list and bad list will be reviewed and a decision will be made. My hope...lead the rest of my life the way it is meant to be lived with love, faith and family. Listen at church, work toward heaven in my daily life.

Matthew 21
Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.



-Steve

Boasting in Weakness

In 2 Cor. 11:21-30,"....If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness." Paul doesn’t tell us these things to boast in how he took all this suffering and adversity like a man—he does it so that we might know that God will always give us more than we can handle. He ”boasts of the things that show my weakness” (v. 30) because those things show his (and our) dependency on the power and mercy of God.

Last week I talked about anxiety and how only through God do we receive the ability to handle what he gives us. But this week I am taking a different look on it. In this passage Paul talks about showing his weakness. It is in these weak moments that we truly let God shine in our lives.

I am weak. That is tough to say. I want to be strong but when we talk about being strong it is in context of our own strength. That is not where I want to be strong.

We, as husband and wife, are weak. We have tried to live our lives the way we see fit and look where it got us. (here) But now we are looking at strength from for a new source.

It is through the weakness that God will bring great things. We bow humbly before him boasting in the weakness of ourselves. So that his plan for our lives may shine through. Steve and I talk that some day we hope God has a plan to use what we are learning together for his purpose. To really make something beautiful from this pain.